I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
