maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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