Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
