So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
