I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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