I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
