My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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