This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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