If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
