I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
