girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
