You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
