Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
