Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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