im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Too much gin, very little bucket
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
