whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
