dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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