WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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