She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
