how can u be prego again
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
