Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
