i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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