Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
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No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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