I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
