the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize