There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
