so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
