Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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