Tell her she can't have a vagina
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
