Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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