if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
