He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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