i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
