I haven't been this sober since birth.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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