EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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