Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
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Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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