Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
false alarm, still single
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