Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
