the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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