The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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