1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
