At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
