Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
do nipples grow back?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
