If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
