The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
