I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
