i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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