I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
