I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
