White coat. Heels.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
