my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
