if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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