you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
