you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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