talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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