Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
