im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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